i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
