I wish I could teleport
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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