I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I bet he comes in French.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
