And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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