You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
