maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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