Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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