I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
