If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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