my mouth tastes like poor choices
4 words: hood of his car
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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