he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
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buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
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I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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