i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
