I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
