Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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