I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
