I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
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I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
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You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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