i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
