You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
