the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
