She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
