God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
