you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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