I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
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That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
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bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I think my moral compass just broke
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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