either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
