Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
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And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
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Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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