Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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