Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
