i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I have tasted many bathrooms
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
