You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
