I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
