Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
