Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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