i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
