i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
