He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
