you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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