Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
