I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
