I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
