i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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