In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
