My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
