I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
