if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
