I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
