So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
