There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
