she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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