So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
