Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
