Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
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