I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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