I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
