"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm too high and old for this...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
