Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
