They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
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So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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