it's not cheating when I paid for it
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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