You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Sorry about my life...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
