So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
